In Gaza dreams die, but hope remains

“I can’t support calm. I’ve been chosen for Chevening.”

It’s a small bluish poster that Chevening awardees for illustration to beryllium photographed with. I besides followed nan trend. After all, I, too, was a Chevening danasiwa recipient. Or almost was.

Earlier this year, I was selected for nan prestigious Chevening Scholarship fixed retired by nan British government. I would person had nan opportunity to prosecute a one-year master’s grade successful Clinical Neuropsychiatry astatine King’s College London, successful nan autumn. It would person been a dream travel true.

But pinch nan Rafah separator crossing closed, I was incapable to leave. I americium trapped successful Gaza, enduring nan horrors of nan genocide. My dream has been shattered, but dream remains alive.

The travel to a dream

I graduated from Al-Quds University’s Faculty of Medicine successful July 2022 and officially registered arsenic a expert conscionable 2 weeks earlier this genocidal warfare started.

I wanted to study overseas to amended my qualifications, but nan Chevening Scholarship was not simply an world opportunity. For me, it represented freedom. It would person been allowed maine to recreation extracurricular Gaza for nan first clip successful my life, to spot caller places and acquisition caller cultures, to meet caller group and build an world network.

I wanted to do a postgraduate grade successful Clinical Neuropsychiatry because of nan relevance of this section to nan reality successful my homeland. My group were scarred by war, displacement and relentless trauma moreover earlier this genocide started. Our trauma is ongoing, intergenerational, uninterrupted.

I envisioned this grade would thief maine connection amended attraction to my people. The opportunity held nan imaginable to alteration lives – not only excavation but besides nan lives of nan patients I hoped to serve.

With these hopes and dreams successful mind, I started filling retired nan Chevening exertion successful nan first weeks of nan war. This was 1 of nan astir convulsive phases of nan genocide, and astatine that point, my family and I had already been displaced 3 times.

Anyone who has undertaken specified an endeavour knows it requires not conscionable world excellence but a batch of effort, too. The exertion itself demands research, consultations and countless drafts.

I had to activity connected it while facing myriad challenges arsenic a displaced personification – nan worst of them was uncovering a unchangeable net relationship and a quiet spot to work. But I persisted. I put my mind to it and kept reasoning astir a imaginable agleam early while decease and suffering surrounded me.

On November 7, 3 hours earlier nan deadline, I submitted nan application. In nan pursuing six months, arsenic I waited for a response, I, for illustration nan 2 cardinal different Gaza Palestinians, lived done unimaginable horrors.

I knowledgeable immense pain, losing friends and colleagues, watching my homeland crumble. The oath I had taken arsenic a expert to prevention lives felt person than ever to my bosom and soul. I volunteered astatine Al-Aqsa Hospital’s orthopaedic ward, helping dainty group injured by bombs successful unimaginable ways.

I would do shifts astatine nan infirmary and past woody pinch nan realities of endurance successful Gaza: queueing up to get a gallon of water, searching for firewood truthful my family could navigator and trying to support sane.

On April 8, I received nan happy news that I had precocious to nan question and reply stage. My thoughts swung betwixt nan scary I was surviving and nan audacity to dream for a different future.

On May 7, I sat for my interview. I was fasting for Ramadan and had conscionable vanished a agelong nighttime displacement astatine nan hospital, but somehow, I still recovered nan spot to coming myself good to nan panel.

On June 18, I received nan charismatic notification: I had been awarded nan scholarship.

A dream gone

I sat for my Chevening question and reply nan time aft Israel launched an violative connected Rafah, taking complete nan only crossing linking Gaza to nan extracurricular world. By nan clip I heard backmost from nan scholarship, I knew that it would beryllium intolerable to unafraid nan basal documents and beryllium capable to leave.

I still tried.

The biggest hurdle successful nan bureaucratic process was that I had to recreation to Cairo for a visa appointment. From June until September, I was haunted by anxiety. I waited, helpless, arsenic a deadline for my assemblage connection to beryllium confirmed approached.

I reached retired to various authorities and sought thief evacuating, but nary of my efforts bore fruit. I moreover contacted nan Palestinian embassy successful London successful a hopeless effort to activity assistance, but by nan opening of September, it became clear that I would not make it. Despite my champion efforts, I remained trapped successful Gaza, while nan opportunity I had worked truthful difficult for slipped away.

In nan midst of each this, I continued my activity arsenic a doctor. It was some a ineffable work for maine and a root of unimaginable heartbreak. I would beryllium stationed astatine nan ER, receiving an unending watercourse of casualties from nan regular bombardment and past move into nan cognition room to alteration nan dressings of patients pinch amputations aliases heavy wounds, hoping they would not go infected successful nan septic conditions of nan hospital.

The suffering of our patients sewage that overmuch worse erstwhile we ran retired of basal aesculapian supplies. It was past that I had to commencement cleaning maggots retired of nan amputation wounds of infants and dainty achy warfare injuries successful children without anaesthesia, whose cries I proceed to perceive successful my mind moreover erstwhile I americium not successful nan hospital. Every day, I watch patients suffer and often dice owed to terrible shortages of IV fluids and antibiotics.

The beingness and affectional toll is overwhelming. I person been forced to face death, demolition and condolences connected a standard that I believe astir group will ne'er know.

All of this has put my mislaid Chevening dream into perspective. I do not person nan luxury of grieving individual loss.

My communicative is not unsocial – truthful galore dreams person been shattered successful Gaza complete nan past 400 days.

I stock my communicative not to activity sympathy, but to item nan reality of Gaza. We each look an uncertain future, but we effort not to suffer hope.

While I americium devastated that I cannot prosecute my world dream, I person not relinquished nan dream that someday, perhaps, an opportunity to do truthful will travel again. For now, I stay successful Gaza, moving arsenic a doctor, base witnesser to nan regular suffering of my people, and trying to make a quality successful their miserable lives amid nan ongoing genocide.

The views expressed successful this article are nan author’s ain and do not needfully bespeak Al Jazeera’s editorial stance.